I'm not sure how to start this post because I've never had a post this negative before, but I need to get this out. Let me just preface by saying that I honestly have nothing to complain about, I have so many blessings in my life. Despite that, sometimes I just feel beat down and like a failure. Fenna Mae just turned one a few weeks back, and I'm now a little over 36 weeks pregnant with Baby Boy (we changed his name btw, it is no longer Mason) and I am tired. I am at the point where my body just hurts all. the. time. After sitting in a cubicle for 8+ hours a day I come home and there's dinner to make and a seemingly never ending pile of dishes to wash. I feel like I don't have enough time to get everything done and I especially feel like I don't have enough time to spend with my sweet girl. I feel like a bad mom. When I get home I'm rushing around trying to get everything done and by the time I am free to play with Fenna, I am exhausted and don't feel like I am giving her the 'mommy time' she deserves. And then before I know it, it's her bedtime. She has been going to bed SO early lately, between 7:30 to 8, which is good, but it also means that I only have about 3 hours with her after I get home from work. And I waste most of that time trying to straighten up the house and get things ready for the next day. It's not enough time. I'm not being a good mom.
There's so many things I want to do better at, but it's all just thoughts in my head. I want to be a better mother, a better wife, a better housekeeper, a better photographer...but wanting doesn't get you anywhere, and that's exactly where I seem to be stuck at. I look at other mom's who seem to have it all together and I just wonder why I can't seem to make anything happen. I have dreams, but I'm too scared to follow them...but who has the time for dreams anyway?
I'm not quite sure what the point of this post is, besides me letting out some emotions (give me a break I'm super pregnant, that's what we do!). I'm just hoping putting this out will maybe give me a push, or some motivation to DO SOMETHING. To change what I'm doing now. But at the same time, I know it won't. I may be back in a few months posting the same thing...but maybe eventually I will get where I want to be.
And since this post was so depressing, I'll try to brighten it up with some Fenna during our play time together tonight (I have also been slacking on taking pictures!)! Can never go wrong with that!
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